Satisfying Darkness

Have you ever been in a dark place? Everything around you is moving, you’re going through each step of life just how you think you should be, but it’s not enough? You’re blinded by these walls that you’ve built up around your life, these barriers that you think are keeping you safe but in reality there holding you tightly to darkness, with what seems like no way out? 

The reason I'm asking you this is because I have. I've felt darkness. I grieved in. I lived in it. I stayed in it. I built a home in it and I even thought I was happy in it. The truth is, I let darkness become my friend but while it was taking, I was the only one giving. I began to have this craving, a craving that I couldn't seem to satisfy. I craved life, I craved myself, I craved fullness, and light out of darkness yet I craved in all the wrong places. I craved to find myself but was satisfying it with losing myself even more. I craved to know who I was but satisfied it with knowing someone else. I craved to be more but satisfied it with being less. I craved to satisfy myself when I should have been satisfying God. 

Being raised in a split home, I still grew up knowing who God was and what my morals and values were but somehow that didn't change the fact that life still happens. Life still beat me until I broke. Life handed me heartbreak after heartbreak. Life showed me darkness, it showed me right from wrong, and it still shows me things aren't easy. But, life lets me experience all of these awful most amazing things because life is beauty. And because beauty is God I don't have to go through it alone.

Eventually, realizing that even though I was saved, knew who God was, and knew John 3:16 by heart, I wasn't making him higher over my life. I wasn't living a Christian life, or a life to even be proud of. That's when I realized you can't be a part-time Christian and think partially surrendering to God is putting him as the first priority in your life. It took me 2 years to find who I was, trying to be the person I thought I needed to be. Then I realized Gods purpose will prevail and nothing I ever do or try to become out of Gods will, is ever going to be enough. God is greater than any materialistic thing or temporary people I try to place in my life. God is enough for me.

Whether you've ever experienced darkness, one day in life you probably will. It may be just enough to lead you to the light or it won't seem to be enough at all. When you realize it's not enough, realize there's a way out and that there is a purpose in fighting to tear those walls and barriers down. No, it isn't easy and the journey isn't perfect but at the end of the tunnel there is purpose, you just have to be willing to find it.

I'm thankful I satisfied my craving because now I can't get enough of this journey with God. Knowing and trusting that I never have to face anything alone is enough to praise him through every step. 

How Can It Be: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wt5X91ciE6Y

Trust in you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_aVFVveJNs